Stupid?
by Sunrise over the Tango Factory
Summary: The Dwarfers compare their moments of immense stupidity...and there's plenty to go around! A one shot.


A/N: I was bored...

**Disclaimer:** NOT MINE!

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In life, there are always recipes for disaster: like leaving a serial arsonist alone in a dry wood furniture store with a box of matches and a canister of petrol, or sending a frail old man with a heart condition to the biggest 'wet t-shirt contest' this side of the galaxy…both of these situations, like many other 'recipes for disaster', are likely to end in tragedy.

It was fairly safe to say that the gathering of the last human alive, a somewhat bitter hologram, a creature who had evolved from the common house cat and a mechanoid with an overactive guilt chip was a recipe for disaster. Boredom, loneliness and alcohol are a dangerous mix, so it was obvious that sooner or later something very stupid was going to happen…and that time was now.

It was Rimmer who started off the round of stupidity with this simple and seemingly innocent question "what's the stupidest thing you've ever done?"

Lister, who, not surprisingly, had been eating a curry at the time, looked up, exchanged a wary glance with Cat before asking in return "why'd you ask?"

Rimmer shrugged "No particular reason, its just conversation had ceased and I needed a topic we could talk about in some form of detail" he paused and smirked at Lister and Cat "and with you two, stupidity seems to be in endless supply…"

"Okay then 'Oh great high and mighty chicken soup machine repair man', why don't you go first!" retorted Lister

Rimmer's eyebrows rocketed upwards, he obviously wasn't expecting this. "Me?" he squeaked before catching the look of satisfaction on Lister's face, and he attempted to regain some composure, "well…I'll need some time to think about this one…it's not like I've got any examples close to hand, given that I hardly ever do stupid things!"

"Come off it, Rimmer" snapped Lister, "everyone does summat stupid every now and again…its human nature"

"I'm starting to think he's not human" said Cat, "no human can be _that_ flawed…or that ugly!"

The holograms nostrils flared dangerously but he said nothing in his defence, merely because he didn't actually have something witty and spiteful to say in return, so Lister took control of the conversation once again "Rimmer, are you going to tell us something that you've done or sit there in a sulk all night"

"You mean I can't do both?" replied Rimmer, sounding thoroughly put out, he sighed and stood up "fine…the stupidest thing I've done…" he paused, tapping a finger against his chin in thought while Lister, Cat and Kryten waited patiently "it was probably when I was 13 years old…I'd had an argument with my father, although it hadn't started out as an argument. I was only trying to tell him that perhaps starving me and forcing me onto a rack each and every morning did _technically _count as child cruelty…he told me I was a disgrace to the family, a miserable little wretch who wasn't worthy to have the name 'Rimmer'" he paused "I was naturally annoyed and hurt by this, so…I tried to pierce my own eyebrow"

Lister choked on his curry "what?" he spluttered

"I tried to pierce my own eyebrow-" repeated Rimmer

"Get outta town" dismissed Lister, seeing it at totally 'un-Rimmer like', "you wouldn't do summat like that, it's just…_not you_!"

"Honestly, I did" said Rimmer,

Lister frowned in confusion as he tried to determine if Rimmer was actually telling the truth "Why?"

"I don't know. It was just spur of the moment, I didn't really stop and think about it, I just…did it!" he shrugged once again and glanced towards the viewport window.

"So what happened? With the eyebrow and everythin'…" Lister asked, now very much intrigued by young Rimmer's totally unpredictable act of rebellion.

The hologram raised his eyes to the ceiling and sighed in a frustrated manner "I'm not sure, the last thing I remember is holding my mothers sowing needle in one hand and my eyebrow in another…then there was this hot, searing pain and a lot of blood-" he stopped, looking slightly nauseous

"And then what?" asked Cat, who for the first time in his life was paying Rimmer a more than minimal amount of attention.

"I woke up in hospital with suspected blood poisoning…" admitted Rimmer, his cheeks reddening "My parents obviously wanted to know what happened, but I couldn't have told them what I was really doing, my father would have killed me…so I said I'd been sowing and sort of…fell onto the needle" he paused "this didn't really have the desired effect because my dad gave me a beating for doing such a wimpy and girl pass time!"

"With all due respect, Rimmer" said Lister "your dad was a half crazed, semi-psychotic, irrational, spiteful, sour old dictator…"

"That's my father for you" said Rimmer with half a smile, "So, come on…" he said, eager to steer the conversation away from his troubled childhood "what's the stupidest thing you've ever done"

There was a short pause. "Does it still count as stupid if you didn't know what you were doing cos you were only little at the time?" asked Lister, cracking open a can of Leopard lager

"What was it you did?" asked Cat

"I ate 4 packets of the pill" came the reply, with little or no hesitation

"What pill?" asked Rimmer

"_The_ pill, Rimmer"

"Oh" said the hologram, as he eventually understood what Lister was talking about "_that _pill" he paused "you ate 4 packets of the pill….why!"

"I was only 3 years old Rimmer, I though they were sweets" replied the human,

Rimmer shook his head in bewilderment before curiosity got the better of him "What happened?"

"I got took to the doctors, they said I'd be fine, I just wouldn't have a period for a while…" grinned Lister

Rimmer failed to even raise a dry smile "Well" he said, with some finality "that explains a lot!"

"Like why I'm so utterly, fabulously attractive and desirable to all women?" said Lister, grinning even more.

"Nope" smirked Rimmer "It explains why you're such a disgustingly complicated half-breed!"

Lister frowned "Very funny, Rimmer" he said sourly, turning his attention back to his curry before it got cold

"Who said I was joking?"

Cat felt this was the perfect opportunity to interrupt "I know the stupidest thing I've ever done…" he said,

Lister and Rimmer's argument was momentarily forgotten, "and I'm still doing it…" Cat added, sneaking a sideways glance at his reflection in the mirror.

"What is it?" asked Rimmer,

Cat glanced at him, then at Lister "Hanging out with you losers!"

"That's not stupid!" replied the human, sounding just a little hurt.

"Is to!" snapped Cat "I should have turned round and ran for the hills when I first met you…. a life time on your own doesn't sound as bad when you two are the only other option!" feeling he'd said enough, he turned to face himself in the mirror and sighed dreamily

"So that's it…. the most stupid thing you've ever done was hang out with us…. even though we didn't technically ask you to…and I in fact wanted you hurled off the ship!" said Rimmer, glaring at the Cat with obvious distaste.

"So are you saying that if we suddenly disappeared now, you wouldn't feel a single ounce of sadness or remorse?" asked Lister, failing to believe his friend was actually that shallow and heartless

"Well, there may be a tiny, and I mean _tiny_ feeling of sadness when I'm cracking open the champagne for my celebration party!" smiled Cat,

"You're unbelievable!" said Rimmer, shaking his head

"Why thank you!" he grinned, showing 2 rows of pearly white teeth

"I meant it in a bad way!"

"A compliments a compliment" shrugged Cat, hardly bothered.

"You seriously hate us that much?" said Lister

"Not hate" corrected Cat, "Loathe immensely!"

"The feelings mutual" sniped Rimmer, now getting thoroughly bored. "Only I'd go as far to say 'I hate you' in addition to 'I loathe you immensely!'"

"Rimmer, shut up," said Lister; he turned to Kryten in hopes of getting the conversation back on track. Up until this point, Kryten had been quietly folding laundry, preferring to listen to the others discussion rather than get involved "What's the stupidest thing you've ever done, Krytes."

The mechanoid paused for a second as he sent a command down his memory retrieval unit to find the stupidest thing he'd ever done. "It was probably the time I put a red sock into a white wash…." He chuckled "I could easily have detached my head and beaten its CPU in with a shovel for being so stupid! I mean, isn't that the most stupidest thing _ever_?"

The Dwarfers looked at him in mild confusion, and it was Rimmer who broke the silence, naturally with a snide remark "and you consider _that_ to be the stupidest thing you've ever done!" the mechanoid nodded warily "What about when you killed the Crew of the Nova 5? Wasn't that ever so slightly stupid? Washing the onboard computer and then proceeding to wash the backup one _as well_!"

Kryten hastily lowered his optical units to the floor, "well…perhaps with hindsight…It wasn't the erm, best thing to do…but with respect sir, everyone does make mistakes!"

"There's a difference between a mistake and manslaughter!" said Rimmer coldly,

It was at that point that Holly made an appearance "Alright dudes" she nodded "What's happening then?"

"We were just talking about the stupidest thing we've ever done" explained Cat

"What's yours, Hol?" asked Lister, turning to face the computer

"Lister, we haven't got all night!" snapped Rimmer,

Holly frowned in concentration, her tongue sticking out slightly as she considered it all "The most stupid thing I've ever done" she said before the bunkroom shook as something collided with the side of the ship "has just happened…" she said sheepishly.

Rimmer picked himself up off the floor "And what is your monumental act of stupidity, pray tell!"

"I wasn't watching the scanner and therefore failed to spot that meteor storm that's just hit us." She admitted, "Sorry"

"Why weren't you watching the scanner?" asked Cat "Okay, I don't know a lot about space travel but isn't that kinda important?"

"I was busy playing table tennis with one of the skutters"

"How?" asked Lister,

"Well, you hit a little ping pong ball across a table wit-"

"No, Hol. I meant, how do _you_ play table tennis….you're just a head on a screen and you've got no arms or anything!"

"No wonder the little bugger kept winning!" said an infuriated Holly,

Rimmer groaned, and pinched the bridge of his noses in despair "Why are we stuck with a computer who's got less brains then a writer for 'the Sun'?"

"Just lucky I guess" smiled the absent minded computer.

"Is there any damage, Holly?" asked Kryten, his 'worry chip' on standby.

"Not sure" said Holly, "I haven't checked yet!"

"Could you do so now please!" barked Rimmer "You can handle that, can't you?" he added, nastily

"Course I can!" sniffed Holly "I'm not stupid y'know!"

"I beg to differ!" Rimmer yelled after her as she dissolved away, leaving a black screen for him to glare at.

"C'mon" said Lister, standing up "lets go up to the drive room, we can run a through damage checks on the mainframe. Help Holly out a bit"

"We're not helping" said Rimmer "This is Holly's mistake, she can sort it out!"

Lister sighed "Rimmer, has this evening taught you nothing. _Everyone_ makes stupid mistakes, no matter who they are. It's a part of life, get over it!"

"He's right buddy" agreed the Cat, sliding into his black dinner jacket in one swift and graceful movement, "And I've got to say, I think I've figured out what man kinds most stupid mistake was…"

There was a moment of silence as everyone waited for Cat to continue. He didn't disappoint. "It was when a certain Mr Rimmer said to Mrs Rimmer "Are we going to sleep now or what?"

He grinned toothily as Lister laughed, and Kryten tried to stop himself smiling. Rimmer, predictably, went mad. Launching into perhaps the longest, most colourful list of insults in history.

The sad thing was, Cat was right!


End file.
